In An Effort To Avoid Doing Anything Productive For Another Hour...

30 Things You'd Never Think to Ask

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
No, but I have been pawed by a mall security guard. Do NOT attempt to shoplift from Gumballs & Things, those folks mean business! They banned me from the store for 3 whole months!


2. Do you close your eyes on roller coaster?
No, but I do engage in creative cursing.

3. When's the last time you've been sledding?
Does that involve snow? We don't really get that in Texas. I have fired a gun in the air, and that's pretty festive

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
Both. I am a conundrum, and I'm too complicated for you to ever understand.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
I have one. It's Charlton Heston, and he lives in my bathroom. He likes to play with the lights and the water pressure. It's pretty irritating, but he has a lovely singing voice, he never cheats when we play Monopoly, and he's always giving me tips on how to improve my shooting accuracy, so I plan to keep him, at least until I can figure out how to catch him in a jar and sell him on ebay.


6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Not at all. I strive to be exactly like everyone else.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
I wouldn't know anything about that, but I do feel that he is directly responsible for the Ford Bronco's decline in popularity.


8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
Oh, it's just so hard to decide. They're both beautiful, and they both got to sex up Brad Pitt. Jennifer seems like the girl next door that I could play dress up with, but Angelina has those lips and legs, and I think that I would have exotic adventures with her, saving orphan babies of every color. Oh, also, WHO GIVES A FUCK???


9. Can you honestly say you know ANYTHING about politics?
I know that all politicians are lying liars, and they'll have to pry my guns from my cold dead hands. I may be spending too much time with the ghost of Charlton Heston.


10. Do you know how to play poker?
No, I do not.


11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
Ohmygosh! You mean, like, without sleeping? That is wacky!


12. What's your favorite commercial?
I secretly love the new free credit report . com (I spaced that so it wouldn't create a link. I'm not interested in giving them any business) commercials with the curly headed guy that sings songs. I sing along every time. "Too bad I didn't know my credit was wack, cuz now I'm drivin' off the lot in a used sub-compact"


13. Who was your first love?
Mr. Rogers


14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around you, do you run a red light?
Probably. I have I mentioned that I don't know how to drive?

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
Yes. I am a daytime prostitute that can only afford one breast implant at a time. My street name is Floppy.


16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
Nachos and beer, please.

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
I hate everything about ice. I don't like the way it feels, the way my skin freezes to it, the fact that it's so slippery. Actually, I would probably need to be heavily sedated before stepping on to the ice.


18. How often do you remember your dreams?
Always, without fail. Last night, I dreamed of having to choose between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. IT'S SO HARD!


19. What's the one thing on your mind?
The sad state of the American highway system. We're being shown up by the Germans. Their Autobahn has twenty inches of asphalt, and we only have eight. This is unacceptable.


20. Do you always wear your seat belt?
I do. I am a responsible citizen that does not want to die by flying face first through a windshield, scraping my face off on the pathetic eight inches of asphalt on our highways.


21. What talent do you wish you had?
The ability to stay with the beat while I'm jazzercising.

22. Do you like Sushi?
Yes, do you have any?


23. What do you wear to bed?
A satin corset, puffy tail, and bunny ears.


24. Do you truly hate anyone?
Probably not, but I like to pretend.

25. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
Eleanor Roosevelt. Sensible shoes get me so hot.


26. Do you know anyone in jail?
Currently? I'm sure one member of my family is probably in jail right now. The odds are in favor of it.


27. What food do you find disgusting?
Peas, sauerkraut, tripe, pig's feet, head cheese


28. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
You, the author of this survey! You're in high school aren't you? Do you realize that you're stupid?


29. Have you ever been punched in the face?
No, I haven't, but I would relish the opportunity to punch Hitler or a number of other evil people. And Scarlett Johanson. And the lady that I just talked to on the phone. She made me tell her three times that I don't buy rims. That deserves a face punch.


30. Do you believe in angels and demons?
How else but demons to explain the popularity of Bill O'Reilly?