My Mom Is A Dirty Drunken Slut!

I was 6 when I realized my mom was a dirty, drunken slut. Unlike my friend's moms, who attended PTA meetings and made brownies, my mom was more likely to drink a twelve pack and fuck a stranger on a pool table.

Mom got drunk for the first time at age 8. I don't think she's missed a single opportunity to get piss drunk in the 40 years since. I have seen her drunk at weddings, funerals, baptisms, and most of my school functions. When I gave birth to my daughter, she was in the hospital parking lot, chugging Natural Light.

The only piece of advice she has ever given me is "don't drink and drive, or have unprotected sex". I have never seen her operate a motor vehicle when she was NOT completely wasted. Drinking and driving is her favorite passtime. When the open container laws went into effect, she was enraged. She briefly considered registering to vote, but ultimately, she discounted that as pointless. She opted, instead, to invest in a magnet that looked like a Pepsi can (on closer inspection, it said Pipse) to wrap around her beer. For mornings that called for something stronger, there was a 64 oz. travel mug she would fill with tequila sunrises. You know, for the morning commute. During the summer, I often went to work with her, to watch her drive and jab her in the ribs when she fell asleep.

When my mom doesn't have beer money, she is not above jimmying open my sister's back door to steal the beer out of the fridge.

When I was 13, she left my step-dad, and had already moved in with a man two days later. For reasons still unclear to me, this man was called Pooger. We moved into a house with Pooger immediately.

The following weekend, Pooger left town for a construction job. Mom decided we would have a girl's day out. She, and my cousin Kim, took me to Beach Fest. Beach Fest was a radio station sponsored event that boasted 2 tons of sand, "beach" volleyball, and a bill of generic bands playing Kansas and Skynyrd covers. I was only 13, but as part of the mother/daughter bonding, I was allowed to drink before we got to the event.

By the time we got there, mom was trashed. As we walked past the bleachers full of drunks in bathing suits, a burly, shirtless man with a walrus mustache yelled "Show us your tits!" To my horror, mom was happy to oblige him. Feeling encouraged, mustache guy joined our party and introduced himself as Wayne. Wayne was very generous, and bought Mom as much beer as she could drink.

She would not stop flashing the crowd, so my cousin decided it was time to leave the Fest. Mom brought Wayne with us. We were in a compact car, so mom sat in Wayne's lap, next to me in the backseat. They were engaging in heavy foreplay, so I yelled "Mom, stop fucking dry-humping this guy in front of me!"

Wayne looked up and said "Oh, is this your daughter?" and returned to his previous work of pinching her nipples, without waiting for an answer.

When we got home, they headed straight to the bedroom. Wayne banged my mom, loudly, for three hours while she repeatedly screamed the wrong name.

Wayne didn't have a way home, so Pooger had to take him back to Dallas the next day. I'm sure it was an uncomfortable ride.