My Opinion Cup Runneth Over

I have finished all my preparations for the white trash summit, and am left with 10 hours of work before leaving. I have pledged to do as little as possible at work, so as to save my energy for the consumption of beer and boudain this evening. Add it all up, and you get this farewell blog, full of my opinions. You should feel free to disagree with me, but be warned, there is no convincing me that I'm wrong. On these points, I am inflexible.

I think the movie Silence of the Lambs sucks. A lot. And not just because Jodie Foster has the single worst fake southern accent I have ever heard (If you were here now, I would treat you with my impersonation of Jodie impersonating a southerner). I think Hannibal Lecter is lame. Yeah, I fuckin' said that. The relationship between Lecter and Clarice holds no interest in light of the other story. "What about the lambs Clarice?" Well, what about the guy wearing a human skin suit? Who gives a fiddily fuck about the lambs? Show me more of that creepy guy.

The overwhelming majority of anime can blow me. I hate Japanese pop (Shonen Knife & Pizzicato 5 excluded) and I get tired of seeing all those giant eyed people, gasping and stabbing. Where is the entertainment?

People that claim chain restaurants as their favorite place to eat have something wrong with them. "Fuddruckers is great." Neat, I hate you. "Have you had the Olive Garden's endless soup and salad and breadsticks? It's awesome." No, it's the opposite end of the spectrum from awesome, and you made me gag a little.

If I hear one more racist or sexist joke about the Democratic presidential candidates, I will escalate my traditional withering stare to a crotch kick. Try me.

I think every citizen of the U.S. should be armed. Experience has shown me that the police are rarely available in the second that you need them, and a steady diet of zombie movies and a viewing of Red Dawn while I was at an impressionable age have convinced me that it's better to be safe than sorry. I have additional reasons that will probably have me put on a governmental watch list, so I'll keep them to myself. P.S. China is a threat.

Our educational system is horribly flawed. I could elaborate, but ya'll know I'm right.

People that believe that Kinoki Foot Pads are actually based on an ancient Japanese secret and will cleanse toxins from their body should buy my snake-oil instead. It's nothing but Everclear and mineral oil, but it'll get you good and snockered, will work just as well, and it's a bargain at half the price.

I deserve my own channel.

Politicians are liars.

Aretha Franklin could take Tina Turner in a soul-off, but she doesn't stand a chance against Mavis Staples.

It's hard to beat a quality ham. Especially when paired with home-made macaroni, green beans,, rolls, and sweet tea.

I have recently had interactions with a large number of rude people from Ohio, and I'm beginning to believe that Biff is some sort of anomaly. That, or I have had the misfortune of dealing with the ten rudest people in the state, and they all work for my gun suppliers.

Texas is awesome. You can thank us for corny dogs and nachos. You're welcome.

People outside of Texas do not make very good barbecue, Tex-Mex, or chili. Sorry. If it makes you feel any better, the Italian food in Texas is a pale imitation of the real thing.

Yesterday, I met a woman that said, "When George W. Bush got elected, I said that he'd be the worst president we ever had. I used to live next door to him, and he always ran over my trash cans." I think this woman should be elected to public office.

If you make peach cobbler for me, you are, hands down, the best person that I've ever met.

I think I've made my point.