Tupperware Party . Pass the cake please.

When I was a little girl, probably five or six, my mom asked step-dad for permission to attend a Tupperware Party with my Aunt Janine. Janine was step-dad's adopted sister, picked from a reservation in Oklahoma. Aunt Janine and mom were instant best friends, owing largely to their mutual passion for getting drunk and acting like whores.

Step-dad was instantly suspicious of the Tupperware party. I was intrigued, mostly because I didn't know what Tupperware was, and I hoped there would be cake.

"You and Janine are going to a Tupperware party? Are you sure you're not going to a bar? Last time the two of you went out, you didn't come home until three in the morning."

"Don't be stupid. We're going to Linda's for a Tupperware party. I want to finish my Christmas shopping, and Momma asked for Tupperware."

"And what about Rebel? You just plan to stick me with your kid while you go out?"

"I wanna go to the Tupperware party with Momma!"

"No, Rebel, you can't go with me. I plan to buy some of your Christmas presents at the party."

"That's what I THOUGHT! You're going to the bar with my drunk of a sister! Rebel doesn't need any fucking Tupperware."

"She doesn't just sell Tupperware, dumbass. I'm going to Linda's, I SWEAR."

"Fine, you can go, but you have to take Rebel with you. I'm not watching her."

"Fine. I'll take her with me."

Hey little girl! You like candy canes?

Aunt Janine came to pick us up for the party. While we waited for Mom to dry her hair, step-dad quizzed Janine on the details of the event, trying to catch her in a lie. As we loaded the car, he shouted demands and warnings from the door.

"You better be home by 10:30, 'cause I'm lockin' the door!"

Aunt Janine waited until step-dad closed the door before fishing two Bud tallboys from the cooler in her backseat. She handed one to mom.

"So what are you gonna do with Rebel?"

"Aunt Janine! I get to go to the Tupperware party with you!"

"I called Ed and asked him if he would baby-sit Rebel, and if he could keep it a secret from the old man. He said he would. He wants to get in my pants."

"Momma, are you talkin' about Yankee Ed and Alice? I don't want to go to Yankee Ed and Alice's house! I wanna go to the Tupperware party with you!"

"Rebel, hush! There ain't a Tupperware party! Me and Aunt Janine are going to a concert. You're gonna go stay at Yankee Ed's house, and if you promise to keep it a secret, and never, ever tell your step-dad, I'll buy you one of those giant candy canes you keep pesterin' me to buy."

I knew the candy cane she was talking about. It was a foot long, and big around as a quarter. The kind that flaked into little sugar razors that I loved to grind between my back teeth. I wanted that fucking foot-long candy cane worse than I wanted cake from the Tupperware party. I wanted that candy cane so bad that I was willing to stay with Ed.

"Can I have the candy cane before you take me to Ed's house? And can I get a Dr. Pepper? So I can remember to keep it a secret?"

This is what happens when you behave like an asshole

I regretted my decision the second we got to Ed's, and some of the candy thrill had worn off. I was scared of Ed and Alice's house, because I associated it with the movie, "The Shining". I had seen it there a month before. I was so scared when Wendy hit Jack in the head with a baseball bat and locked him in the pantry that I peed on Ed and Alice's new couch. And I was so scared of Ed, who yelled at me once for slamming the screen door, that I didn't tell them. Instead, I lay in a puddle of my urine and waited for Jack Nicholson to die. And when the movie was over, I got in the car and never said a word about it.

When we walked inside, Ed was in his recliner, watching baseball. Mom told him that she would be back to pick me up at eleven, and rushed out the door. Ed spoke to me without turning his eyes from the game.

"Jake is back there in his bedroom. Go play with him. And you two keep it quiet back there!"

I didn't like Jake, because he looked like Alfalfa with a snotty nose, and he liked to throw bugs in my hair. I couldn't wait to eat my giant candy cane in front of him. I would show him no mercy. He begged, pleaded, and promised, but I wouldn't budge.

"Nuh-uh! You can't have any of MY candy cane. My Momma bought this for me so I wouldn't tell anybody that she didn't go to a Tupperware party tonight."

Eventually, Jake realized that his pleas were wasted breath, and got his revenge by refusing to play anything but Matchbox cars or G.I. Joe. We didn't see Ed until the game was over.

"Hey kids! I'm gonna go take a shower. Don't get in any mischief, or I'll whip your asses. And DO NOT disturb me in the shower, or I'll whip your asses! Now go in the living room and watch a movie until Rebel's mom gets here."

We decided to watch Popeye, because Jake and I agreed that Mork was hilarious. I was lying on a pallet in the floor, gnawing on my candy cane. During a particularly funny scene, a huge chunk broke from my candy, and lodged itself in my wind-pipe. I coughed, and nothing came out. I tried to take a breath, and could I couldn't get enough air. The jagged edges of the candy were stabbing my throat, and tears streamed down my face. Jake tore his eyes from the television, wondering what the strange noises were.

"Jake," I pleaded, "get your dad...can't breathe."

"Daddy said if I disturbed him in the shower, he'd whip our asses." He turned back to the madcap adventures of Popeye, as I wheezed and gagged in the floor. I was starting to feel faint from lack of oxygen.

I stared at the ceiling, struggling to breathe. "This is what I get for telling lies and not sharing," I thought. "If I don't want to die, I have to get that candy out of my throat." The thought of my death spurred me into action. I crammed my fingers down my throat, and clawed around in a panic, finally dislodging the candy by accident.

I fell back in the floor and took great heaving breaths, crying for my mommy, and relieved to be alive. Ed stormed into the living room, ready to spank some asses. He stopped short when he saw my hysterical, purple face.

"What the hell happened in here?"

"I got candy stuck in my throat and I was choking, and Jake wouldn't help me."

"JAKE! I'm gonna bust your ass with my belt! Are you okay now Rebel?"

"Yes. I got the candy out by myself."

"Good. Listen...don't say anything about this to your mom, okay? You're a good girl."