Sunday, November 9, 2008

Two Conversations, Two Strange Conclusions

THE LADY AND THE RIFLE

Last week, a woman dropped off her .22 rifle for some gunsmith work.

"Something fell out of the firing mechanism, and I need it because them damned squirrels won't stop eating from my garden."

I guess she's justified in her anger, as the ground in Texas is literally blanketed with pecans, a veritable squirrel heaven.

When I called her to let her know her rifle was ready, she yelled.

"HOT DAMN! I'm coming to get it."

When she arrived at the store, she was flushed, as if she had run all the way from her house. After she paid, she turned to address the entire shop.

"I am going home to blast the shit out of squirrels. I'm gonna blow 'em to tarnation! Ya know, it's a shame nobody wants to eat squirrels anymore. When I was a kid, everybody ate 'em. My grandmama used to fry 'em up and serve 'em with dumplings. Now all the old timers are dyin' off, and young people don't want to eat squirrel. Hell, pretty soon, we're all gonna be eatin' squirrels. What with the way this economy is, thanks to mister Bush!"

THE STRAIGHT MAN THAT LOVED DRAG QUEENS

One if my customers, a janitor for the local school district, comes in every Friday to buy new dvds. He's a strange man by east Texas standards, and we usually talk about the movies he buys. I think he sees me as a kindred spirit, because, I too, am strange by east Texas standards. As I made his change, we discussed today's purchase, Slumber Party Massacre. He took the opportunity to school me on life in the 70's.

"Ya know, I'm not gay, but I loved glam rock. David Bowie, T Rex, Queen, even Elton John. That music made an impression on me. And Divine. I loved her. I've got every one of her movies except Pink Flamingos. In the 70's, women were different. I knew one old gal that told me, 'You men get to sleep with anybody you want to, and it's cool, but if I do it, I'm a slut.' She's right. I picked up some girls then, and I didn't know their name, and they didn't want to know mine. They just wanted anonymous sex. You know that movie the Crying Game? I tricked my son. I waited until he was all turned on by that woman, and then I told him it was a man. He turned so red. But in the case of Michael Jackson, he was so talented, a superstar. I think he had a chemical imbalance. He can't help the way he is. Like RuPaul. I'm not gay, but I could get with RuPaul. In my mind, she's a woman, and a sexy one. The other part is just a detail that I can overlook. A lot of women have forgotten how to be feminine, but drag-queens go to a lot of work to be feminine. That why I have a thing for them. I love RuPaul. You have a good day."

And with that, he left me standing in the parking lot, alone to smoke my cigarette and imagine his life.

No comments: