what i was thinking at 3 am

A LIST OF EVERYTHING THE MEDIA HAS EVER TOLD ME TO FEAR

(OR WORRY ABOUT)

drunk driving ... poisoned aspirin ...

razorblades in candy ... brain cancer from

cellphones ...foreclosure ... recession ... russia

and russians ...kidnapping...car-jacking...home

invasion robbery ... sharks ... rapists ...

drive-by shootings ... crackheads ... assault

rifles ... homeless people ... house fires ...

floods ... el nino ... laser beams ... mercury

poisoning ... staph infections ... diabetes ...

identity theft ... radiation ... the landfill

crisis ... oil spills ... liberals ... conservatives ...

school shootings ... wire taps ... my credit

report ... the glossiness of my hair ... sweat

rings ... botched surgery ... drug wars ... skin

cancer ... tanning beds ... tainted food ...

gas explosions ... traffic accidents ... gangs ...

nuclear attack ... the ayatollah ... terrorism ...

hijackings ... air bag trauma ... defective tires

... autism ... ebola ... the flesh-eating virus

...acid reflux ... restless leg syndrome ...

sexually active teens ... unemployment ... the

heartache of psoriasis ... yeast infection ...

lead poisoning ... asteroids ... halitosis ...

acne... baldness... anemia ... anorexia ... serial

killers ... heroin ... breast cancer ... north

korea ... hitch hikers ... breast implants ... west

nile virus ... heat waves ... blizzards ...

tornados ... hurricanes ... earthquakes ...

volcanic eruptions ... frivolous lawsuits ...

bankruptcy ... infidelity ... inflation ... oil

shortages ... pollution ... weight loss ... weight

gain … alcoholism ... hackers ... prostitution ...

murder … smelly feet … germs on my counter

tops … random acts of violence … stalkers …

africanized bees … fire ants … food

preservatives … turkey fryer explosions …

check fraud … being out of style … being

outspoken … heat waves … fetal alcohol

poisoning … carbon monoxide … crack babies

… online predators … illegal immigration …

aids … the gum disease gingivitis … the

apocalypse … religious cults … ritual sacrifice

… the new ice age … the melting of the polar

ice caps … the death of the rain forest …

saddam hussein … fidel castro … osama bin

laden …manuel noriega … kim jong il …

neo-nazis … militias … curse words … nipples

… sexuality … defective and inferior chinese

goods … the influenza epidemic … body

snatching … baby rapers … atm robberies…

blackheads … gray hair … male pattern

baldness … blood clots … strokes … blindness

… bullies … cholesterol ...

I have decided instead, to be scared of the media. I’m tired of worrying, and I’m giving it up.