Lady Pit Bull and a COCK FIGHT!

Lady Pit Bull and a COCK FIGHT!

To Be Followed Shortly By a Plague of Locusts


10:30 a.m.

I heard a voice when I went outside to smoke, but it was hollerin' in a foreign language. I thought it might be Sebastian, hanging out in between our building and the statuary store next door. 'Cept the voice seemed to be speakin' in tongues, or "God's special language" as the Pentecostals like to call it, and that wasn't Sebastian's style. He preferred to pace the sidewalks, yellin' "MOTHERFUCKER!" and "COCKSUCKER!" at the sky and passing automobiles. I decided this voice must belong to a whole new crazy. Crazy X.


11:57 a.m.

The skinny girl with hollowed eye sockets stood behind her shotgun buying boyfriend, shifting from foot to foot, chewing on a hangnail.


"I'm thirsty," she said, "but my drink is in the car, and I don't want go out there with that crazy guy yellin'."


"Is he still out there," I asked, still working on the background paperwork for shotgun boyfriend.


"Yeah, he's just sittin' on the porch, yellin' something. He's weird."


I thought about calling the cops to run him off, but decided it sounded like an awful lot of hassle for some crazed hollerin', so I left it alone.



12:25p.m. Let's Break for a Cock Fight!


The Mexican told me in broken English that he thought the watch was too expensive, so I took it back and bent to return it to the locked case. Then I noticed that his baseball cap had a large embroidered rooster, and the bill had words on the brim. Closer inspection revealed that the words were "COCK FIGHT!" There in the corner, on both sides, all caps and exclamation point. When he turned around to look at guitars, I realized that the adjustable band on the back of the cap bore the same "COCK FIGHT!" slogan.


I concluded that I just met a gentleman that appreciates hisself a COCK FIGHT!


1:05 p.m.


"D'ya know ya got a new neighbor," Grumpy Old Man asked when he settled his formidable ass on his favorite stool.


"He still out there?"


"Yeah, just sittin' on their front porch over there, hollerin' and barking."


"He's barking? That's fucking weird. Should I call the cops? That's the kinda crazy I try not to fuck with."


"He ain't botherin' me none," Grumpy said, "long as he don't walk up to me or nothin' when I get in my car. Far as I'm concerned, that sumbitch can set over there and bark all he wants."


............

1:45 p.m.....


I went outside to smoke and look menacing to any last minute shoppers, and I heard barking. I looked over and put eyes on Crazy X for the first time, sitting next to the rhino statue next door. I thought he might be holding a salami under his t-shirt, till I realized the he had tits that had dropped down to see what was happening in his belly button, so he must be a she. Round about the time I'd puzzled that out, a late model SUV glided into the parking lot to ask Crazy X the price of the bronze horse. All the yuppies want that statue, least until they find out it's fourteen grand.


"Scuse me," said the blonde with giant sunglasses in the passenger seat. "How much is that horse?"


"THEY DON'T BE HERE RIGHT NOW!" Crazy X had a voice like a pit bull. "I TAKE THE BUS! THEY DON'T BE HERE RIGHT NOW! ROOROOROOROOROOROO!" Foam flew from her mouth with every ferocious bark, and the blonde never said another word, just looked straight ahead while she rolled up her window and they sped down the street, putting distance between them and Lady Pit bull.


I laughed until I 'bout busted my guts. I'm so glad I didn't call the cops.