Slovenly Whore...Feel-good Poem of the Yea

I can see that you dyed your hair at home

your roots are starting to show.

Your nails could use the attention of a professional.

Cracked cuticles, chipped polish

and what looks like gunpowder under your thumbnail…



Your t-zone is shiny…

have you thought about oil control?

And I'm not sure that your bra is providing

the proper separation and lift.

It doesn't appear

that you've availed yourself

of the many at home teeth whitening kits

available at your local grocer



And did I mention that your curls

are lacking definition

and so are your eyelashes

I mean, you could really plump those things up

With the help of maximizing mascara.

I was wondering if you had lost your tweezers

because your brows are in need of grooming

And is that chili on your shirt?

Are you sure you want to wear that?



In this day and age there's no point

to those panty lines

I didn't want to mention it,

but your elbows look a little dry

and your face would benefit

from a touch of bronzer.

Your legs are so white that they blinded me.

You've heard of spray tan, right?



Also, you might want to monitor your

fat intake...your ass is starting to spread.

Maybe do some crunches in the morning

and a few more at night.

That spare tire isn't doing you any favors.



I don’t mean to be cruel.

Call it constructive criticism.

You want to look your best don’t you?

Everyone knows how important first impressions are

And yours is practically screaming

“SLOVENLY WHORE”