Sorry Mama, but this bladder is closed

I think I was fourteen the night my cousins Bobby and Bubba taught me to smoke pot. We planned it in the afternoon, and as scheduled, they knocked on my bedroom window at midnight. I let them in through the utility room door and we sat at the foot of my bed and smoked Bubba's skunky weed out of the toilet paper roll pipe I'd watched Bobby make.

"Alright Reb, you're gonna take a hit like you're smoking a cigarette, but you wanna hold it in your lungs as long as you can," Bubba instructed.

"Show her how to put her finger over the carb so she gets a good hit," Bobby said.

"How do I know this shit is working?"

"You'll know," they agreed.

An hour later we were laying across my bed laughing about the fog I swore had just rolled across the hallway from my bathroom and engulfed the bedroom .

"Man, I fucking love smoking weed with you guys. And you know what the best part is? My mama can't sell my pee to Aunt Carolyn anymore."

Bubba looked at me, his eyes bugging out. "What the fuck is Aunt Carolyn doing with your pee?"

"She has to take a piss test every month, but she won't stop shooting speed, so Mama makes me pee in a Tupperware container, and she trades it for dope."

"That is FUCKED up," Bobby said.

"Well, I ain't doin' that shit no more. Ya'll wanna come back tomorrow night?"

A week into my new infatuation with pot, Mama paid me a visit, pee container in hand.

"Reb, I need you to pee for me again."

"Nope, I'm not doin' it."

"Yes you are. We need to help Aunt Carolyn."

"Well Mama, if you sell MY pee to Aunt Carolyn, she's gonna be pretty fuckin' mad at you. Would you like more information?"

"Not really."

"Why don't you sell her some of your pee, Mama? Oh that's right, you can't sell yours either."

"Rebel, shut your smart-ass mouth."

I felt pretty good about derailing Mama's black market pee sales until I heard my seven year old sister in the bathroom.

"But why do I hafta pee in a bowl Mama? I don't want to."

"Just do what I say."


Mama swears none of these things happened, and says that me and my sister live to tell lies about her. In retrospect, she's really lucky that I didn't hit her more often.