Swappin' Time

So, yesterday I up and says, ‘Zems, how old you gonna be in November?’


‘40, goddambitches,’ she says.


‘Oh. It’s about time to trade you in, then. C’mon.’


So off we went to Trader’s Village. There was knife traders and gun traders and book traders – swappers of every kind, but we didn’t see any ‘old lady’ traders. We decided to sit down for a beer break.


‘Well, Zems. Looks like nobody trades old ladies no more. Want a smoke?’


‘Fuck yeah, cumguzzlinsonsawhores.’


‘Yup. SAY…looky thar…’ I pointed to a booth across the way. There was a toothless old man behind a fold-out table loaded with piles of every kind of crap imaginable, including a three-legged possum on a leash. A sign taped to the table said WE TRADE ANYTHING.


‘C’mon, Zems.’


‘Fagnockersslutbombs.’


The old man lit a stinky cigar and looked us up and down.


‘You trade anything, mister?’ I asked.


‘Yupsir, what you got?’


‘Zems, here. She’s gonna be turnin’ 40 soon, and I figgered I’d swap her in fer two 20s.’


The possum grinned. The old man took a big puff off his cigar and looked at Zems.


‘Ah, 40 ain’t bad. What’s wrong with her?’


‘Well, she’s oversexed, she gits confused easy, and her mouth’s defective.’


‘Her mouth…huh?’


“Tell him, Zems,’ I said.


‘Fuckinspermhatsphincterfucker.’


The old man took a step back. ‘Jeez, son. She’s got a real potty mouth on her, don’t she?’


‘FUCKINARIGHTIDOFUCKMUGGLER!’


The possum giggled. The old man turned back to me. ‘Mister, you need to take potty mouth here and git GONE. I won’t HAVE that shit.’


I took Zem’s arm, ‘I TOLD you that eloquent shit would bite you in the ass some day.’ We turned to walk away.


‘Buttmunchcocknose.’


‘Hold on there, son,’ the old man called out. We turned back to him. ‘I won’t have that potty mouth, but she’s got a fine pair of teets thar.’


‘That she do.’


‘Well, look here. Take her home but leave the teets. I’ll trade ya…hmm…these old Mexican porn vids, this here ‘I like Ike’ button, a half-eat funnel cake and….hell, I’ll even throw in Gimpy here…’ He pointed at the possum. The possum sneezed.


I scratched my head for a minute. ‘Now, I’ll allow that’s some damn fine stuff thar. But why the HELL would I wanna tote her back home without no teets??? Come on, Zems, let’s go to the house. This dude’s a goddamed idiot.’


‘Scrotumlickbitchcolon.’