I Don’t Care If You Did Die, You’re Still An Asshole

Last night, I got a call from my little sister (the one I raised from the time she was five. When she comes to visit, I start calling her Dot, and Dot, Holly.)

"Hey, Reb, what're you doin'?"

"I'm hangin' out with Daron, why?"

"Oh, I was callin' ta tell you that Big Barb died."

"Awesome!"

"Rebel, that's awful."

Big Barb was my 400 lb. meth-head aunt. She had a son that is severely mentally retarded, and it was completely preventable, and entirely her fault. Barb wouldn't stop shooting meth while she was pregnant. As a result, her son has a POINTED forehead, and the inability to function on any level. He will live in a home for the rest of his life. I think that alone qualifies her as a complete piece of shit, but she did other awful things, like bilk my grandmother out of $15,000, bringing her to the brink of financial ruin. She called my cousin three hours after her mother died to ask if she could have her dead mother's social security card. "She doesn't need it anymore, and I could really use it." That is ACTUALLY what she said to her grieving niece, and her mother's body wasn't even cold yet. (They had the same name, so Barb wanted the card so she could use it to get a job, but continue to receive her disability checks)

My little sister is of the opinion that you shouldn't speak ill of the dead. I disagree. If I think you're a piece of shit in life, you're the same piece of shit when you're dead. I'm not gonna stand over your grave, shedding crocodile tears and pretending you were a wonderful person that will be sorely missed. Death doesn't erase all your sins, and I will not pretend that it does. That would make me a dirty fucking liar.

So, Barb, you died. If you ask me, you should have done it a long time ago. It would have saved the tax-payers vast sums of money, what with your social security scams, stolen check rings, and general thievery. You're out of your self-induced misery, and someone else gets to take care of the son you abused and neglected. If I believed in hell, I would be certain that there would be a special place reserved for you. You fucking cow.