I swear that it's true

My Aunt Carolyn was a heroin dealer that had horrible taste in men. After stabbing my grandpa with scissors & becoming a prostitute, she married a guy who set her on fire while she was sleeping. When she woke up & extinguished herself, she stabbed him with a butcher knife. She drove to someone's house(I don't know who's) to escape, but crazy husband was clinging to the undercarriage of her car. They had a battle to the death, with Carolyn emerging victorious.

After another husband, unremarkable save for the fact that he went by the name Hoot Owl, she married a lunatic named James. James had a thick mat of chest hair & Charles Manson eyes. They spent most of their time at the lake, Carolyn in a crocheted bikini with pubic hair escaping the sides, James in short denim cut-offs. They lived in a single wide trailer with a room built on to hold their pool table.

One day, my uncle dropped by to visit Carolyn. He found only James at home, naked and covered with red paint. James had broken all the glass, painted 666 on all the walls and the full size pool table was flipped over. As my uncle entered the house, James was furiously jerking off & screaming "Jesus saves" over & over. Seeing that James was occupied, my uncle backed out of the house & called 911. James was taken away in a straight-jacket. He received shock treatments & was released after 6 months of rehabilitation. He came back to visit once, & made sure to tell everyone that my mom had the sweetest pussy he had ever seen. I was unsure of what response he was looking for, so I said "Sounds great, James!"

Unrelated side story: When I was 7, I had to pee in a cup so Carolyn could pass her parole required drug tests. In exchange for my urine, Carolyn gave my mom speed & heroin. This ended when I was 12 & discovered pot. My mom was pissed. Then she got my sister to do it.