Meet My New Hero, Bobby the Barefoot Guitarist

Today, I met Bobby, the barefoot guitarist. When Aunt Cheryl introduced us, Bobby bared his toothless mouth at me.

"I'm Bobby, and I'm ugly."

I was already smitten, and then he told the story to beat all stories. I will recount it for you now. I'm certain that I'll leave things out, because Bobby talks faster than I can write.

"A couple of weeks ago, I's in ma front yard, when this sumbitch run up on me. I seen he's pointin' a gun at me. 'Freeze, police!' he yells. I turned around, and his buddy's on the ground in a Gomer pose, pointin' his pistol at ma head. I tole 'im 'You better stop pointin' that fuckin' gun at me, fucker.' So he tells me he needs to pat me down. I says 'Go ahead. What the fuck did I do? I was in my house, cookin' a goddamned roast, and I didn't think that was illegal.'
So, he starts checkin' me out, underneath, I mean he was crackin' nuts. Then, they wanted to look in my house. I said 'Go ahead fucker. There ain't nothin' in there but a roast.' Turns out, some crazy bitch called 'em on her cellphone, told 'em I had her chained up in ma closet. She watched 'em pat me down from the porch of 'er trailer.
I tole 'em I was gonna sue their asses for pointin' guns at ma head and shit. Three days later, they come to apologize. I tole 'em to go fuck theyselves, I was gonna sue their asses. Then Gomer wanted to bow up on me. I looked at 'im and said, 'Bow up if ya wanna, fucker. I'll come up offa this porch and whoop your ass. You need to apologize for grabbin' ma groin.'"

I think it's pretty obvious why Bobby is my new hero. If not, let me know and I'll attempt to explain it to you.