MEET YOUR NEW MARGARET

After my step-father screamed crazy shit at my mom in the drive-thru at Wendy's (if you do not remember the story, or never read it, please let me know and I'll recap. It involves a stunned teenage drive-thru attendant and lots of creative cursing.), my mom moved to Lancaster, Texas with my little sister, Holly. Because the emotional, hormonal frenzy of a thirteen year old girl should NEVER be underestimated, I was allowed to stay in our apartment in Grapevine with my (soon-to-be-ex)step-dad. Our arrangement didn't last long, because mom finally realized that step-dad was having a hard time, and just sat around in his underwear, crying, playing guitar, and writing shitty poetry about his aching heart. Being so consumed with his artistic pain, he forgot to buy groceries, or pay bills, or do anything to maintain a sane household. She made me move to Lancaster with her and Pooger, and step-dad moved in with his brother.

Mom and step-dad spent the next year kidnapping my four year old sister from each other. It started with a Thanksgiving visitation that step-dad refused to end. When mom realized that he had no intention of returning Holly, she would cruise the streets of Grapevine, searching for her. Once she found her, she would scoop her into the backseat and speed off. Step-dad kidnapped her from school. He had only had her for three weeks when they had a motorcycle accident that put Holly in traction for six weeks, followed by six months in a body cast. When she was released from the hospital, Mom kidnapped her again, and step-dad realized that he should set up a stable home if he wanted to gain custody of his daughter.

Tae Kwan Do changed our lives, but not for the better.....

Step-dad signed up for Tae Kwan Do. He spent every available second at the studio, and wore his uniform while making coffee or watching television. He constantly referred to his "discipline". He fucking lived Tae Kwan Do. That's where he met his new best friend, Lurch. Lurch was six foot nine, with stringy brown hair, thick coke bottle glasses, and a slow, booming voice. Step-dad started going to Lurch's house after class to play guitar and smoke pot. It was there that he met Lurch's wife, Margaret.

Margaret was only five foot six, with the hair of a Journey fan, and a harsh yankee accent. When she laid eyes on step-dad, she decided that he was a better choice for a mate, and immediately started grooming him for domestic bliss. He moved out of his brother's house into Lurch and Margaret's place. He stopped calling mom to scream at her, and instead, sent calm letters requesting weekend visitation. Mom agreed, and allowed both of us to go, me, mostly to keep Holly safe.

We only had two visits at Lurch's house when step-dad announced that he and Margaret were in love and would be moving to a house together. They moved in late November, and step-dad convinced mom to let us stay at his new place for Christmas. When he came to pick us up for visitation, mom told him that she suspected me of smoking pot. Later that night, after the kids were in bed, the "adults" were in the living room, staring at the Christmas tree. Margaret looked at step-dad.

"Are you going to talk to Rebel about what her mom said?"

"Yeah." He looked at me and sighed. "Reb, your mom says she thinks you're smoking pot."....

I widened my eyes into a look of shock that I hoped made me look innocent.

"Well, if you ever think about smoking pot, I'd feel better if you smoked with me for the first time instead of your friends. If you ever want to try it, let me know. I won't be mad, and I won't tell your mom."

Sensing my opportunity, I confessed.

"I've already been smoking pot."

"Oh, well…let's get high."

We sat at the kitchen table and smoked a joint. From that point forward, any time they got high, I got high too.

I was the happiest thirteen year old girl in America.

At least until our shared drug use made them feel comfortable enough to discuss details of their sex life with me. It started with the story of their sexual trysts in Margaret's car, parked in the lot of the local SafeWay.

That story was followed by a series of jokes.

"Hey Reb, did you know Margaret played the flute?"

"No, I didn't."

"Yeah, she's a master of the skin flute."

Margaret laughed so hard she snorted.

"Hey Reb, guess what Marg got me for Valentine's Day."

"I don't know, what?"

"I can't tell you, but it starts with SIXTY-NINE!"

Their gross behavior only escalated over time.

One morning, I woke with Margaret on top of me, writhing and moaning fake orgasms.

We were Christmas shopping once, with my little sister and step-step-brother, when step-dad and Margaret got into an argument in a K-Mart parking lot. They were both screaming at each other about blowing their budget when Margaret shouted,

"Oh yeah?! Well your cum tastes like rotten eggs!"

Step-dad yelled, "Well, your pussy smells like Chicken of the Sea! Chicken of the Sea, Chicken of the Sea! "

I've never really recovered my love of the Christmas holidays.

to be continued…

stay tuned for the next chapter, where I reveal their not so secret swinger style, my first pregnancy test in a CiCi's bathroom, and the worst wedding dress and tuxedo you have ever seen....