For my fourteenth birthday, step-dad and Margaret took me to a fancy dinner at the country club where Margaret worked as a waitress. Because it was my birthday, I was allowed to drink as much as I wanted, and I wanted a lot. After my fifth cocktail, my voice got a little too loud, and my behavior got a little too wild, and I fell backwards in my chair, knocking over the dessert cart. The upper-crust diners did not appreciate my hillbilly antics, so I was ushered outside and taken home. When Margaret went to work the next day, she was fired by the manager for buying drinks for a child.
This unplanned career change made Margaret decide that it was time to improve herself, so she enrolled in medical assistant's school. Step-dad joined her. After six months of training, they emerged confident in their ability to draw blood and collect urine samples, and quickly secured jobs with an insurance company. From there, they moved into the field of drug-testing. Step-dad talked his way into a regional manager position, and Margaret acted as his assistant. They were making what step-dad referred to as "the big bucks", so they bought a silver t-top Camaro, and a duplex, and decided that it was high time to get married.
The wedding was held at Margaret's parent's house. The bride wore a fuchsia prom dress with an asymmetrical hem and a riot of ruffles that called to mind an explosion at the tacky factory. The groom chose a baby blue tuxedo with a butterfly collar and navy blue piping. While the bride chose a simple up do to accompany her hideous dress, the groom's mullet was flawlessly feathered and poofed. They said their vows in front of the big-screen television, while Margaret's mother worked her way through a jug of cheap wine. I couldn't wait for the ceremony to end so I could change my baby pink silk dress to jeans, and begin the serious business of getting drunk. Step-dad's Elvis impersonator friend got a little too drunk and mouthy, and Margaret's mobster uncle threatened him with bodily harm. Fake Elvis's wife decided that it was high time they hit the road, and the rest of the wedding went off without a hitch. The same could not be said for the marriage, mostly due to Margaret's psychotic mood swings.
HAVE A SPECIMEN WITH YOUR PIZZA
I can't say that I ever got along with Margaret, but she did come in handy. I knew that I could tell her things that I couldn't tell my mom, and I wouldn't get in trouble, because Margaret didn't really care what I did. It was for that reason that I came to Margaret in the summer of my fourteenth year, certain that I was pregnant.
"Well, do you like the boy?"
"No, I don't like him at all. In fact, I hate him."
"Well, the first thing we need to do is find out if you're actually pregnant. I'll collect a urine sample and send it to the lab. If you are pregnant, I'll take you to get an abortion."
I was relieved that my problem was solved so easily. Unfortunately, the only time Margaret could slip me a specimen cup without step-dad catching on was when he was in line at CiCi's. She gave me the cup and told me to fill it in the bathroom. I did so, awkwardly, and returned to the table, where I slipped it into her purse. I didn't hear anything for two weeks, and I walked around and pretended things were normal, and tried not to vomit. When we finally went back for visitation, Margaret handed me a box of condoms, and said, "You're a lucky girl."
URINE THE MONEY. HAVE A SWINGING LIFE
Step-dad and Margaret worked for the drug testing company for two years before they stole all the clients and started their own business. Step-dad wanted to call the business "Urine the Money", but Margaret won that argument, and they called it "Aries Drug Testing". Their biggest clients were Burlington Northern and Waste Management, and they paid well. Like most white trash with cash, they spent it on stupid shit like NASCAR memorabilia, horse racing, and drugs. Then they discovered the world of the internet and the many sexual deviations it contains. First, they met a nudist couple to hang out with and do naked activities. That friendship fizzled after I asked the man if he was step-dad's "naked friend". Then they joined a swinger's club and met a couple from
It was the fourth of July and the Las Vegans were in town to celebrate. I was not there, stemming from an incident with step-dad that caused him to disown me. (I worked for them all summer, baby-sitting, cleaning, cooking, and setting appointments for Aries. They never paid me a dime, and couldn't even be bothered to get groceries for the four kids to eat, or to consistently give me cigarettes. I was disgruntled, and things came to a head one night when he tried to keep me from leaving for a night out with my best friend. He blocked the doorway, so I kicked his ass. I left him on the floor, crying about his broken collarbone, and I had a fabulous night.) Fortunately, step-aunt and uncle were there, and gave me a full account.
From uncle..."Your dad invited us over for a barbecue. He said we could take the baby swimming at the complex pool. He didn't tell us that them nasty asses from Vegas would be there. They was hanging all over each other, actin' all nasty and shit. The drunker they got, the nastier they got."
From aunt (best read in a thick
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