Rebel Came Home (Sorry, This Thing Is Huge)

My trip to Fort Worth cured my homesickness beautifully. As soon as we hit the outskirts of Grand Prairie, I was reminded of how much I hate strip centers and four-lane highways, billboards and litter. I'll take the crickets and trees any day. What I was really missin' was an amazing group of talented and funny friends.

"Let's Just Get Drunk At The House."

When we got inside the city limits of Fort Worth, Eric and I decided to stock up at our favorite liquor store. It ain't my favorite anymore, largely because they want $2.50 MORE per six pack of LoneStar than I pay for it in East Texas. I bought High Life instead, because that's the kind of cheap date I am.

The official purpose of my visit was to sand the floors of my former house. The house, built in 1954, is being remodeled and updated, and as such, it is a complete disaster. There are sawhorses, paintcans, and tools stacked upon every flat surface. Everything is covered with dust. The floors are filthy.

I really came to see my friends. I wanted to have everyone over to drink and catch up in the gutted remains of the house we spent Thanksgiving and birthdays in.

We couldn't make it any messier.

Daron met us at the house fifteen minutes after we arrived. When we lived in Fort Worth, Daron was at our house every night for two years, and lived in our spare bedroom for six months. He was shocked at the changes. The bathroom, which originally had pink and gray tiled floors and walls, had been completely gutted. In place of the tile was vinyl floor.

This wasn't my house anymore.

We looked at the sunken living room, it's walls bare and ugly. Daron said, "it doesn't look cool in here without your stuff. Like your aprons" I think he's right.

We headed to Wherehouse Music, to harass Little Bryan, and so I could play irritating customer (meaning I came to sell DVD's 20 minutes before close, and I didn't bother to take the price stickers off of them). Daron took the back route to the store for old times sake. When we walked into the store, it was too bright, because unlike my 11 years there, all the light bulbs were in working order. Everything looked clean and organized.

I asked Bryan if they spent all their time cleaning now.

"No, we just don't have any customers coming in to fuck things up anymore," he replied.

After he finished my used buy, Bryan let me bag and sticker the DVD's. I am not as fast as I used to be, and I can't say it's a job I miss.

We made plans for Bryan to meet us at the house when he got off work, and headed home. As we passed Bennigan's, we noticed that the parking lot was over-flowing.

"Hey guys," Daron said, "you wanna go to Bennigan's? It's a bar....AND grill."

When we home, I talked to Jack and Shannon and made plans for them to meet us. Jack volunteered (or I asked him) to call Giant Brian and Vicky and ask them over (Jack's a very convincing fella). Jack and Shannon were kind enough to bring chips, ice, coolers, folding chairs, and some tasty chocolate chip cookies, preventing us from sitting in the floor and starving to death while drinking hot booze.

By 11:30, six of my favorite people were sitting amidst the destruction of my former home. Lil' B brought giant beers. We talked and laughed for hours. I took pictures of the Texas shaped brand on Jack's ass (look for my pictures soon!). Shannon brought me gifts including beautiful puzzles and a creepy praying girl mirror. We laughed until my stomach hurt. At one point, I looked at Lil' B and said "I wish we had nachos" (I always tell him this when we get drunk together). "I know," he said, "it's weird being in this house and not getting your hospitality."

When Little Bryan left, he was feeling fiesty, and bear-hugged me while grinding his skull into my jaw. I thought he dislocated it, but I was okay with that. Sometimes love hurts. When Giant Brian and Vicky left, he faked me out by starting a high-five, and then wrestling me into a bearhug. I loved every second of it. Shannon and Jack left after hugs and talk of how much we missed one another. It was 4:30. Papa wanted to start floor sanding at 8.

Floor Sanders Are Louder When You're Hung-Over And Sleep Deprived

Papa showed up at 9, ready to start work. Eric and I were not, but it didn't matter. I spent seven hours running the industrial sander over a 10x10 room. It was not thrilling.

The Christmas Wolf Is Here!

At one point, Papa rushed into the bedroom and told me to follow him into the backyard. When we got to the fence-line, we saw three helicopters landing in the church parking lot, directly behind the house. Santa, elves, and Frosty the Snowman unloaded from the copters, followed by a man in a reindeer outfit.

"What is that," asked Papa, "a wolf?"

"Yes Papa, it's the Christmas Wolf. You've heard that story, right?"

Country Shows, Half Priced Drinks, And What's Wrong With The Sky In Dallas

We had plans to attend the show that Jack's band, The Whiskey Folk Ramblers, were playing in Dallas. After hitting our favorite thrift store and crappy Chinese restaurant, we went to Shannon and Jack's house to meet up. Actually, we just went to the garage, where I have been drunk on countless occasions. We sat and talked to Shannon, smoked cigarettes and marveled at the new wall hangings they have acquired in the past year, before heading out.

Shannon and I followed Jack and Eric, and enjoyed quality girl talk, something I had been sorely missing.

The bar where they were playing makes the strongest drinks that I have ever had. For real. I suspect that they just waved a bottle of Coke above my rum & Coke. Then, I found out that Jack got drinks for half price. I think everyone can do the bar math and arrive at the correct total, drunk Rebel.

The Whiskey Folk Ramblers were very fun. I will see them again, and soon.

In between bands, I stood on the patio and talked to folks I hadn't seen in months, and got re-introduced to some folks I had met before. I talked about firearms for a long period of time. I realized that the night sky in Dallas is very bright. The stars are invisible, and everything is louder.

After another drink, and an undetermined amount of shots for Jack (he's a charmer, and folks want to buy him drinks), followed by his impersonation of "momma bird feeding" demonstrated on my neck, we convinced Jack to leave for dinner. He was kind enough to spank my ass as we left.

Dinner Was Exciting As You Think It Was
*disclaimer...I was drunk during dinner, and am a little fuzzy on all the details. To all involved parties,if you see an error, please feel free to correct it.

Shannon, Jack, Eric and I went to Cafe Brazil, where Heidi, Kevin, and Kelly joined us. Our waiter explained that he was only pretending to be a waiter, and took our drink order. Jack wanted coffee, which required him to fetch it himself. After returning to the table, Shannon asked him if he knew what he wanted to order. He started shouting "motherfucking bread pudding". Fake waiter explained that they were out of bread pudding and suggested pan crepes instead. Fake waiter delivered Jack's crepes. Jack tried to make everyone eat them, before Shannon told him that he needed them worse than anyone else.

When Jack got up for another coffee refill, fake waiter pointed out a spider on the brim of his cowboy hat. Jack responded by eating the spider, and screaming things I can't remember in a gypsy accent. The spider eating seemed to work him into a frenzy of eating inappropriate things, including Eric's beard and a five dollar bill stolen from Kevin's wallet. He dunked potatoes in his coffee and my water. Crepes were also dunked in a variety of liquids and consumed. He threw water and food around, and frightened a homeless man that stopped to ask for change.

This behavior was more charming than it sounds. Unless you're married to him. Then it might not be as amusing.

Heidi got fried ice cream, and was kind enough to share. Kelly helped me get a proper ratio of fried and creamy. I'm very appreciative. It was the best bite of ice cream, ever.

After dinner, we said our goodbyes. As I hugged Jack, he squeezed me and said, "This feels so good." "That's because you can feel my boobs." This statement led to chest bumping and other inappropriate activities.

Daron picked us up, and we went home with him. We listened to a crazy hillbilly poem about necrophilia that Daron had downloaded. I can't stop thinking about it.

I Need Eggs Benedict

I woke up Sunday and talked to Daron and Joy for two hours. We listened to music from Daron's computer, including a Star Wars Christmas song (I think the chorus was "Merry Christmas, R2D2"), Billy Ocean, and my new favorite song, "I Wanna Pee Pee In The Disco, Mommy". After Eric woke up, we went to brunch. On the way to brunch, I saw a prostitute in a tube top waving at cars. The song playing was "Slave To Love", which seemed surreal. Shortly after we arrived, eggs benedict were eaten, and all was right in the world.

We left Daron's with my third copy of the Great Tyrant album (I kept losing it), which I have since listened to 20 times.

On the way home, we received a text message from Jack that read "Just coughed up summa yr beard. And what appears to have been a spider." I hope he put it in a jar so I can see it next time I come to town.

It Was Nice To Go Home

But I am glad to be back in the country, where LoneStar is cheap and I can look at the stars in peace. I just wish I could have brought all the folks with me. I miss them already.