To My Alcoholic Friends

Recently, a friend accused me of being an alcoholic. This accusation took me by surprise, mostly because it was completely off base. We were on the phone, and anonymous friend was explaining that he had come to the realization he had a drinking problem.

"But you have a drinking problem too," he said.

"What are you talking about," I asked.

"How often do you drink? Every day?"

"No, not even close. I usually drink once a week, sometimes every two weeks. Sometimes, I go months without drinking."

This seemed to throw anonymous friend for a loop, but he would not be deterred from his conviction that I had a drinking problem.

"Well, when you drink, do you do it to get drunk?"

"Well, yeah."

"Then you're an alcoholic!" He seemed triumphant.

Is there something I'm misunderstanding here? If I'm not supposed to be drinking to get drunk, what, exactly, am I supposed to be drinking for? World peace? An end to childhood hunger? An AIDS cure?

"Bartender, can I get a margarita? I'm trying to gain equal rights for women over here."

So, I drink to get drunk. I sometimes find myself inside IHOP at 3 am (a place I would never go when I'm sober) laughing too loud, and expounding on inappropriate (read: ADULT) subjects in my outside voice. Call Betty Ford, I'm out of control. Or, I'm solving the world's problems, one cocktail at a time.

I would let you be the judge, but I don't like people judging me. Now, who wants a margarita? I need some equal pay for equal work over here.