Tyler, you better stay where you are. I'll shoot.

Hey Tyler, Texas

I wanted to let you know that I hate everything about you. You are the most disgusting town I have ever seen, which is saying a lot. I lived in Ferris, Texas, so I know from nasty towns. You, however, are an utterly new sort of nasty. You are nothing but trademarks, strip centers, and yuppies in SUV's on cell phones. If Mattel made Barbie, the town, it would be you. In other words, I find you to be plastic and disgusting in every way. You remind me of the mid-cities that I just moved to escape, but you are worse. You are completely lacking in culture (unless consumption counts as culture) and it makes me want to sick up.

You have been on my mind since the last time I had the misfortune to be within your city limits. See, I know how these things work. You're going to start creeping. People moved to you because you were small and pretty and quaint. Then you started slinging your ass to every corporation that looked at you. Now you're congested and people are going to start populating the towns on your outskirts. It's only a matter of time before you try to move into my territory, and bring Starbucks with you. Well, I'm not going to stand for it. I like the fact that the only things in my town are Dairy Queen, gas stations, and a Subway. Sure, I'd like to have a decent grocery store within 10 miles, but I'm not gonna put on a mini-skirt and a push-up bra to get it. So be forewarned you dirty tramp, this town's not big enough for the both of us.