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Dear Zombie Survival Squad,


As we all know, the time of the zombie uprising is rapidly approaching, so I wanted to take some time from my busy schedule of home fortification and firearms training (Remember, ONLY headshots count!) to bring you up to speed on accomplishments, and to let you know what we're working on for the next few months.


My brother Paul, head of our elite security force, has done an excellent job of stockpiling a delightful array of firearms and ammunition, despite the troubles currently facing the gun industry. Firearms and ammo will be VITAL to our survival during the uprising, not only to protect us from the armies of the undead, but the human attackers that are sure to follow. I've said it time and again, those among us that did not prepare for the apocalypse will attempt to overthrow us and steal what is ours, but we will beat them back with bullets. When our position is secure, the guns will continue to aid our cause by providing us with fresh meat. I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you to perform maintenance on your weapons now. You will not have time later.


Staley, Jack, Dad and Diana have also done an admirable job of acquiring an arsenal for our defense, and Diana has taken the additional step of storing food and water in the event that we get trapped by the flesh-eaters outside the security of our compound. Way to go that extra mile Diana!


Dot's firearm training is progressing rapidly. She can now shoot the stem off a pumpkin at 300 yards, and squirrels don't stand a chance when she's in the vicinity. Dot also learned to dis-assemble, clean, and re-assemble her 1911 and her AR-15 in less than three minutes. I hope your children are doing as well. If you don't teach them to shoot, you are handicapping them. Might as well just feed them to the zombies yourself.


By the time you read this, we will have finished construction of our electrified perimeter wall, the water storage facility, and the greenhouse (the tomatoes and squash are plentiful, though I worry for the peppers. Alas, I am a supreme leader, not a gardener, and I hope to pass the greenhouse duties off to those of you that are qualified soon, so that I may expend my energies on things I am meant to do, such as ruling with an iron, yet benevolent fist, and planning the new utopia, which I am thinking of naming "Rebel World". But I digress...) We will be breaking ground for the first of three planned electricity generating windmills this fall, and work on the explosives filled trench will begin soon after.


I am delighted to add that my gunsmith, Richard, will be bringing both of his cannons to the house (henceforth known as Rebel's Apocalypse Ranch or R.A.w.R. for short). The cannons will be mounted to the roof of R.A.w.R., where they will be a critical link in our defense for the first months of the undead crisis. Richard's expertise in firearms repair and ammo reloading will help position us for global domination when the undead no longer menace our fields and forests. The next time you visit R.A.w.R., please make Richard feel welcome, he's a good man and an excellent addition to our team.


In closing, we have made a lot of positive steps toward our future survival, but there are many miles left to go. If you have not yet contributed to the school bus fortification fund, please do. If you don't remember, we originally planned to tunnel from R.A.w.R. to the old tunnel system that runs under Nacogdoches (to give us easy access to supplies) , but ultimately dismissed it as unrealistic. Dad saved the day when he suggested a school bus reinforced with sheet metal, which could be driven THROUGH Wal-Mart if necessary (and we all know it will probably be necessary). Dad would like to start welding when the heat breaks, but some of you have yet to make your contributions, and we are several thousand dollars short of our goal. Please don't make us turn you away from the gates of your salvation because your dues are delinquent.


Let me know what preparations you and your clan are making for the apocalypse, and I would be glad to share them with the rest of the group. I can't wait until the day we are all together, united in battle against our foes, but never forget, I am in charge


Organize before they rise,


Rebel, your future leader