Lori is a trust fund baby
that has spent the last twenty years looking for the magic mix of chemicals
that will self-medicate her into bliss. A handful of xanax, a generous shot of
codeine cough syrup over ice, slammed at the pawn shop counter, a rock paid for
with the loan on a tennis bracelet. Lonely isn’t so bad anymore.....
Her friends steal her car,
her purse, her pills. She says someone sneaks in at night to swap diamonds with
her.....
“Reb-uhl, I swear ta gawd
that this bracelet useta have princess cut di-muns. I heard a noise in ma room
last night, and this morning, I checked and somebody had switched all the
di-muns ta rounds. I like it better though.”....
Lori wants me to come
over, she says she’ll buy me pizza, and we can sit out by the pool. She offers
to paint my nails with purple sparkles. She likes to tell me her problems, and
ask for my guidance. She says I’m the smartest person she knows.....
She introduces me to all
her pets. She trained “seeing-eye goats” for awhile, until the city told her
she couldn’t have goats in an apartment. Her dog Joe-Bob got into fight with
the neighbor’s dog, and Lori accidentally jerked all Joe-Bob’s teeth out.....
“Reb-uhl? Can you come
outside? I saved his teeth in a bag and I’m thinkin about gluing them back in
his mouth.”....
“Lori, you can’t do that.”....
“Well, do you think we
could use his old teeth to make him some dentures? I think we could make it
work”....
Lori is pretty, but tired.
Sometimes, she forgets to brush her hair, and it sticks up in crazy directions.
She comes to pay her loans in a bikini, and you can see her tiny bones.....
She tells the lady at the
dry-cleaners the beginning of a story, forgets I’m not her, and tells me the
end.....
“I know the principal was
mad at me, because he told me he didn’t want to see my car on campus ever again.
And now the damned lunch lady is trying to sue me for hitting her car, and I
have insurance. You cain’t sue somebody with insurance, you hafta go through
their insurance first! And it didn’t do hardly nu-thin to her car. And now
she’s got a damn five-hundred dollar estimate for a three inch long scratch tha
width of a fingernail on a RUB-BER BUMPER! Why cain’t she just be glad that no
one got hurt? Who cares about a scratch? But she’s sue happy. I’ve heard that
word used before.”....
Lori isn’t allowed to call
the police anymore. They said she was not allowed to file a police report once
a week for things she misplaced. They also said that normal people did not have
their cars stolen once a week and she should re-think her choice of friends.
Lori says the arrests started because the cops were picking on her.....
“So me and that twelve year old girl started walkin’ up there where I thought Smoky was hiding ma
four-wheeler. Before we left, I got a glass of wine and some a ma nerve pills.
But my shorts didn’t have no pockets, so I told the girl to put them in her
pocket. We found my four-wheeler, but a cop stopped me ta ask what I was doin’.
He told me I was trespassing, and he was putting me under arrest cause I was
under the influence. I’d only had three glasses of wine! So I told that girl to
give me my pills cause I could feel a headache comin’ on. He took me to jail,
and then they told me that I was charged with furnishing marijuana to a minor.
Do you think I should go back up there and explain that she was just holdin’ ma
nerve pills for me?”....
I hope she took my advice
and told her lawyer instead.....
Saturday, January 16, 2010
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