Chemical Imbalances

I got me some brain chemicals that fuck with me. My body produces them in spurts. They tend to peddle me in cyclic spasms of euphoric fuck-its all the way down to fuck-it fuck-its. It’s always been that way with me…when I was a kid I got through it just knowin’- and knowin’ everybody else was knowin’- I was just fuckin’ weird. When I grew up I started self-medicating. I still do. It works; it balances.

’Course, I didn’t know it was brain chemicals doin’ all this shit until a doctor told me so…

It was 2001. I was goin’ through a very heart-tearing divorce, a stressful job that I didn’t feel like gettin’ up for in the mornin’; my swings were mostly leveling down to fuck-it fuck-its. On my birthday morning some morons drove some airplanes through some buildings in New York City. For God. I went to bed.

Three months later I noticed I didn’t have any more rent money. I didn’t even have beer money. And I was still in bed.

"Doc, I cain’t get out of bed. Ain’t no desire. I cain’t stand bein’ around people. They get on my nerves so bad I shake and get all anxious and flee back to bed. And I’m out of money. Matter of fact, you better not cash my check just yet."

"Well, son, you’ve got classic indications of clinical depression. I’m going to prescribe you a goodly dose of ProZombieCrack. Take it for a couple weeks. Give it a chance to even you out. You’ll be normal in no time. And I don’t take checks."

That shit didn’t work. I went back. Doc shifted drugs with the same two week admonishment. Repeat process. Zombloft, Peterdroopic, Wherewithaloft…all the same shit, the same pattern…10 or 12 days in I could function, but they all made me such an unfeeling numbskull I was gettin’ PissedOft all over myself.

"Oh, hip, you’re just not giving these meds a chance. Many a patient goes through a number of these before we find the right drug/dosage balance. Here, let me give you some free samples of the newest one, NumbZac….."

I walked the fuck out of there. If a motherfucker cain’t feel shit he ain’t livin’. Pain included.