Someone has got to put a stop to this

I have reached my limit. I am going to tell you right now, I can not be responsible for my actions if you people insist on continuing these behaviors.

1. I will no longer participate in discussions about the weather, nor will I tolerate listening to the Weather Channel for 8 hours a day. Oh, storms are headed this way? I don't care. I can't stop them. I also prefer to view my weather the old fashioned way, by observing it in real-life. Stop talking to me about the weather.

2. I do not want to hear about the high cost of gasoline anymore, especially if you have chosen a vehicle that gets 5 miles per gallon. I don't feel sorry for you, & most likely hate you. I don't need to hear your hot tip about where you got gasoline this morning, saving a whole 2 cents per gallon. If you saved $2 a gallon, then you can fill me in. Otherwise, shut the fuck up.

3. Do not ask me what I am thinking about, or use the repugnant phrase "penny for your thoughts". I am probably thinking about something wildly inappropriate, strange or personal. If I wanted you to know, believe me, I'd let you know. I blurt random things out all day long & am given strange looks in return. You do not want to know about the things I keep to myself.

4.Do not use lol in any correspondence we might have. It infuriates me. I really just hate all computer slang & text message speak. BTW & WTF are included. I enjoy words, please use them. I don't enjoy emoticons very much either, but if I like you, I will overlook them. This is NOT the case with lol.

5.Do not stand behind me, mouth-breathing & trying to read over my shoulder. When I was a child, I was guilty of this practice. My dad cured me by elbowing me in the nose. Don't make me elbow your face. I'll do as hard as I can, because you are acting like a douche-bag.

6.Do not look at me with sad eyes while I am eating my lunch. If I like you, I will offer you some. If I don't like you, I will not. Your puppy eyes will not influence me, unless of course, you are a puppy. Then I will give you a little bite.

7.Do not put your arm around me if you have not been invited to do so. I am not a fan of inappropriate touching. If you think an elbow to the nose hurts, wait until you feel what I have in store for your groin if you insist on touching me.

Lest I sound like a hateful, mean spirited person, let me add that I am easy to get along with & most people find me pleasant to deal with. I will genuinely make an attempt to enjoy your company. It's just that some of you asses make it so hard.